Life, Minutiae, Toys, Irrational Phobias, Peeves, Fiber

History Shows Again and Again

Posted on | December 28, 2004 at 5:12 pm | 1 Comment

My heart goes out to the people around the world who lost loved ones and/or property in the devastating earthquake/tsunamis in Asia and Africa. The force of the earthquake was so strong that it “probably jolted the planet’s rotation” according to scientists. This looks to be the most expensive (in many ways) disaster in history and is a potent reminder that nature is just as good or better at inflicting serious damage as man is. Suddenly, wondering about whether the cashier at the 7-11 short-changed you or not doesn’t seem so important, does it?

I know my timing is a little bizarre with this entry and I hope that people don’t think I’m making light of or minimizing the tragedy. But I’ll let you draw your own conclusions about my tone and intent. Last night, I watched the penultimate Godzilla movie, Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S., newly out on domestic DVD. (Penultimate, since the supposedly ultimate movie, Godzilla: Final Wars just premiered in Japan and will hopefully make its way over here soon.) Anyway, this entry is not about that movie, though it was inspired by it. Warning: Not for the kiddies. There is profanity.

Godzilla on Trial: A Fable

Prosecutor: “Mr. Godzilla, please tell us where you were on the morning of July 20, 2004.”

Godzilla: “Please Mr. Prosecutor, I prefer to be called Gojira-san. On the morning in question I was sleeping in at the bottom of Tokyo Harbor. I was recovering from a late night out partying with my pal Ebira the Sea Monster, whom I hadn’t seen in awhile. I believe I awakened around noon and then made my way to land. At the time, I had not yet decided if I was going to destroy Tokyo or save it that day. But I was leaning towards the former, as I was in a cranky mood from the hangover and also had been without sex for a long time…”

[Wavy Lines - Flashback]

Small boy wearing a turtle medallion: “Gojira-san! Gojira-san!”

Godzilla: “What is it, kid? Can’t you see I need to get my game on and fry a few small buildings before the tanks get here?”

Kid: “Gojira-san! Did you see how last night, Gamera, Defender Of The Universe and Friend To All Children, repelled the alien invaders and their hideous giant llama monster?”

Godzilla: “Ah yes, my old friend Gamera – the giant turtle who flies by shitting fire out his ass and spinning around really fast. I wouldn’t trust that shelled freak to repel my grandmother. Hell, I was dispatching alien invaders when that tusked fuck was still living in an aquarium eating wingless flies.” Godzilla and Gamera had been friends many years ago on Monster Island, but had a falling out over some minor issue, and Godzilla no longer speaks to Gamera.

Kid: “Gojira-san? Why are you talking like Tony Soprano?”

Godzilla: “I don’t know what you’re talking about – you can’t get HBO underwater, kid. Besides, I’ve got a hangover. Why are you disrespecting me? You do know that I can separate the flesh from your bones with one blast of my radioactive breath, right? Not to mention what just my pinky toe alone can do to you.”

Kid: “So sorry, Gojira-san. You are tall and mighty and have good taste. I will not question you again.”

Godzilla: “See that you don’t. Hey kid, did I ever tell you about the time I ripped off all three of King Gidora’s heads with the same deadly blow…?” Just then, the first couple of tanks start to pull into the area. They point their turrets at Godzilla but do not fire. The commander of the lead tank pokes his head out the top.

Godzilla (to tank commander): “Can’t you see I’m trying to tell the kid a story here?”

Tank Commander: “So sorry, Gojira-san. No offense intended. We are just waiting here to see if any giant monsters are going to go on a rampage and destroy Tokyo today.” A couple more tanks and some big trucks carrying heavy machinery also roll into the area.

Godzilla: “And you automatically assume that’s what I’m going to do? How many times does a guy have to save the planet before people stop getting all uptight around him?”

Tank Commander: “You have been known to have mood swings, sir. We are just taking precautions. Besides, there are reports of a giant flying monster that resembles a huge bedpan over Okinawa, heading this way.”

Godzilla: “Mood swings? Can’t a guy change his mind from time to time? Why, I oughta…” Just then, all heads turn as they hear unearthly music coming from somewhere. The boy looks down and sees two tiny (but hot!) young women in belly shirts standing on the tarmac, their eyes closed and hands folded as if praying. They are also singing.

Godzilla: “Oh shit… someone get the big butterfly net…”

Tiny Fairy 1: “Gojira-san, you must get in touch with your anger and channel it in more constructive directions.”

Godzilla: “Or what? The two of you are going to crawl up my ass?”

Tiny Fairy 2: “No, mighty Gojira-san, our lord Mosura will be sent to punish you.”

Godzilla: “Mothra – that self-righteous prig. He couldn’t punish the Smog Monster.” A powerful wind signals the arrival of the giant moth, knocking the boy over and toppling a couple of the tanks.

Mothra: “‘Jira! Old buddy! How’s it going?”

Godzilla: “It was going fine until this entire fucking town started getting in my face. I think it’s time for the Big Stompdown.”

Mothra: “Whoa, dude, what’s with all the hostility?”

Tank Commander: “Energize the Destructo-Cannon!”

Godzilla (wistful look on face): “Hey Mosura, remember that time me and you performed that well-executed smackdown on Megalon and Gigan? We sure showed them. That was sweet.”

Mothra: “Ummm… I think that was Jet Jaguar, not me…”

Tank Crew: “Two minutes to full power! Target acquired!”

Godzilla: “You’re tripping. I remember how we went out for pizza afterwards and you were hitting on that cute waitress… hey wait, maybe you’re right. Anyway, I miss those days. We didn’t need a reason to fight, we just did it. The world today is different – if someone looks at me funny or makes some kind of offhand remark about my weight or whatever, I’m expected to just let it roll right off me. That’s not the Gojira way, man. Heck, in the old days, I didn’t even need an excuse. I just started stepping on cars and slamming into buildings.”

Mothra: “I don’t need to tell you to get in touch with your feelings, since you’re obviously there already. But is looking for slights and waiting for the next fight really the most pleasant way to go through life? It seems lonely and not the way of us older but wiser monsters.”

Godzilla: “I don’t need that kind of talk from you – I thought you were my friend, Mosura. You must have a pretty low opinion of me. What, do you think I imagine it all?” [Glances at tank crew, who are furtively scrambling around and getting out of the way of the cannon.] “No matter how I react, these things still affect me inside, and you can’t just expect me to bottle it up. Because then when it finally comes out, it’s not going to be just Tokyo I’m taking it out on – the whole world better watch out. Look where all that bottling-up got you. Don’t talk to me about loneliness. You’re the poster monster for repression. You never have any fun – living like a hermit on that island with the two little chicks just always out of reach…”

Mothra: “Hey! Don’t knock the fairies!”

Godzilla: “My point is that…”
The discussion is interrupted by the forceful blast of the Destructo-Cannon…

[Wavy Lines - End of Flashback]

Prosecutor: “So, Gojira-San, that was when you destroyed Tokyo?”

Godzilla: “No, I destroyed Tokyo a few weeks later, after a dare from Mechagodzilla. We were both a bit drunk at the time.”

Prosecutor: “So what happened on that day, after the army fired on you?”

Godzilla: “I turned my back on them all and headed back out to sea. But it was not a retreat or capitulation.”

Prosecutor: “Thank you, Gojira-san. Your witness.”



One Response to “History Shows Again and Again”

  1. Alan
    December 29th, 2004 @ 9:21 am

    Jet Jaguar is a punkass bitch who wouldn’t buy a drink if all his cash was radioactive and he had to get rid of it before it exploded. Gojira should stick to his real friends, like the Robot King Kong.

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